Some of you may know that I'm heading up to Alaska this month on the 26th. As of tomorrow, that's only two weeks away! I am so terribly excited; I haven't been up there in five years. My mom moved up in August of last year and moved into her newly-built house on Lazy Mountain this spring.
I was thinking about my trip up today--looking around my bedroom at the mass of clean clothes piled up on the "hobo" chair, and then panning over to my medium-sized rolling bright purple suitcase. Should I start setting things aside to pack? Do I need a heavy coat? Boots? What if we go to a glacier? It's going to be cold, and my thin Texan blood won't be able to handle it. What about my crafts? Will I have room to take some stuff to work on? I feel so neurotic. I know I'm going to have to bring an extra, empty suitcase--not only to take a few things up for my mom, but to bring a few things down as well...
Uhhhhh spasmodic.
At the same time, I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately, what with the wedding a few weekends ago, seeing several movies with weddings, and then Chuck and Ginger having their baby. It's really hard sometimes to see my peers experiencing all the things I want but am apparently not allowed to have (at least not right now). I go back and forth between jealousy, frustration with myself, and frustration with Jon. I know he was a lot younger at the time, but it's especially hard knowing that he was nearly ready to propose to his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him multiple times while he was in Iraq. He's tried to make me feel better by saying, "In Minnesota, she was as good as it got--I didn't know there was anything better." I know he means to say that he's found something better, but of course I read into the negative side of the statement and see it as him just testing the waters with me since he knows there will always be something better out there. Sometimes I can make myself feel better, and sometimes I can't.
Right now it's pretty tough going. I'm trying to hang in there, but it's hard not knowing what, exactly, I'm hanging in there for.
2 comments:
I'm so excited you get to go to Alaska and slightly jealous lol! Take lots of pics so I can see how much fun you had k!
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with things I know what you mean by sometimes you can make yourself feel better and sometimes you can't. I hope things for you and Jon have a happy ending you guys seem like a really great couple and he seems to make you happy. I'm sure just when you think he will never purpose he will totally catch you off guard. Hang in there my dear and I'm always here if you need to vent:)
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